Who really knows?

SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL...
I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!!!

But who really cares anyway?

It doesn't help that I didn't go last class. That's why I feel lost right now. I know what I need to do just so unmotivated. I've literally been sitting here for a few hours just staring at the computer screen. What if it's not good enough? I can't get that out of my head.

Joe and I are starting to go apartment shopping. It's a little bit nerve wrecking really. I mean this is the place that I will be moving into soon as well. In 150 days we will be married. It's all so scary. And wonderful, but mostly scary right now. When we walked into our first viewing of a cute apartment together I couldn't help but grin like an idiot. My mind was racing as to where the bed would go, how to make the bathroom look prettier, what my future office would look like. What color would I want to paint each room, and wondering if it would be enough closet space? What side of the bed would I be on and where the light would flow into the room. It's overwhelming. I couldn't help but dream about the future and what will be. I mean that's the point of moving forward right? To make new dreams and develop new goals. Oh the butterflies. Would that be our first apartment? I'm growing up so fast, and I'm glad Joe still loves me even though I asked 10000000 times what he thought the next step with the apartment should be. Can we afford it? I mean can we really? Should we look for cheaper? Bigger? I'm so new to this game. It doesn't help that we are both indecisive.

In other news, I got my highboy table ties in. Joe and I ordered 11 yellow and 11 orange in satin. They are really pretty, and it was the first thing I've purchased that has the wedding colors yellow and orange.

I plan on booking the food soon. Lou Malnati's it is!
Mmmmm....I should ask for a tasting. hahaha

stress

It's funny how my mindset has changed so much in just a year. I remember being so excited to get married and plan a wedding! I am still very happy and 100% sure that I'm doing the right thing, but the excitement has changed a little bit into stress. There is just so much going on in my head about the wedding((s) with my brother's wedding also around the corner), school, work,  and the future in general. There is so much that is changing, and as normal as it is, I'm scared. I glad to have Joe by my side. I couldn't do it without him, but I can't help but feel like I need more help or encouragement. Planning a wedding is hard. Going to school is hard. Going to school and feeling completely lost, is even harder. Work is just work. Being worried about the future is hard. Put that in a blender and it is a recipe for stress/mini breakdown. I think it has been slowly hitting me, and it all just caught up to me. A little bit yesterday, and little bit more today.

Maybe I am just a little bit lonely. I have Joe of coarse, but sometimes you need a friend. Everyone is just so busy all the time. Who knows. I'm just scared to be a real grown up. It is going to be fantastic to be married, but with that comes hard times too. The good outweighs the bad. That is love. As long as you have that, nothing else matters as much. I wish Joe didn't have night hours. I want to be in his arms and play Mario on the Wii. haha.

Perhaps I just need to pray more and be more in tune with the big man upstairs. At church yesterday I prayed what was going on and what was running through my head and broke down a tiny bit. I just need a hug.

That was my mini rant I guess. I just can't ask for help. I think I realized that when it counts, I can't do it. I can't ask for help unless it is Joe or my mom that I am asking. In some ways I'm super dependent, and in others I am the exact opposite. I keep to myself with the big things. Even the small sometimes. Even when people ask about the wedding it is a hit or miss. I usually just say it's going ok and that is the end of the convo. I mean who actually cares? Who actually wants to hear about somebody rambling about their wedding? Just me, my mom, Joe, and those who are getting married themselves. I kind of freeze when it comes to the wedding. When I met up with the Day of Coordinators, I kind of just froze. My mind just too scatterbrained. It takes a couple of minute to load all the information. I swear I am an old lady at times. 

I know everything will work out, and when it doesn't work out it is for a reason. God won't put me through anything I can't handle. I know that.

Sorry for the rambling. I just needed to write it down. This is my blog after all. :)

Whenever I get a little bit stressed about the wedding I just think of that moment when he sees me, and I can tell he likes what he sees. haha.  I don't know how couples can just stand there at the alter without jumping on one another. I plan to give him a huge hug. Multiple actually. Ok, at least one big one in the very beginning. I don't think I will be able to hold my emotions. That, I can't wait for. :)

Oh yeah, before I forget to write about.... Joe and I (ok just Joe, I stood their terrified), asked the Pastor if he would marry us! He said yes! It was super busy though, and we couldn't talk about it. We will have to meet up with him soon. :)

CAKE!

I love making cakes! It gives me a huge satisfaction to see the end result.
An even bigger satisfaction is to see people's reactions!
It also helps too when I see them eat the cake without stopping or saying
a word until the end. Although I can't take much credit for the taste,
I can take credit, along with my mom, for the look.

I made this cake last weekend for my cousin's birthday as a request from my aunt.